silph_co | Video

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S'up, kiddies?

[It's everybody's favorite higher ranking Rocket, looking particularly super-villainish with his mask and a Persian curled up in his lap as he sits at his black wood desk in his black leather high backed chair.]

You all been being good little Rockets? Outside of when the world was just ending a little bit ago, but ya know...extenuating circumstances! World saving kind of trumps nabbing random animals and animal-related junk for some pretty hands off bosses I think I've seen in person twice...

Anyway! Tis the season and all of that happy horsecrap, and I say this is the perfect time to get a little work done. Everybody's settling down, thinking about the holidays, getting all google eyed at window displays, shopping for all kinds of goodies and catching cool Pokemon to give as gifts...

Who can get their ass to Goldenrod by the end of the week?

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The rewards aren't too bad either considering the consequences of failure would be the world ending or something..! [She can't wait for that egg from the last thing to hatch. Anyway.]

Uhhhh...I can get there pretty easy anyway! Why what's in Goldenrod....

[It's Baby's First Christmas Market]

I think we would all like to avoid that happening, yes.

Lotta opportunity, champ! And a chance for you to show me everything you've learned since last time we were working together.

That didn't answer the question, but I'm going to take a wild guess something big is happening that we can steal from!

[OH....JOY....this is her life now, she supposes!]

I'm in Goldenrod... why?

Beautiful, wonderful, awesome....

Which one are you?

Not big, but I thought I was pretty clear!

[He was not.]

We're hitting holiday shoppers and shit.

I'm the Palchuk... duh. Which one are you?

[No one knows who you are, Steve.

This is the wrong person to play up his importance to, but he obviously doesn't have a clue.]

That means absolutely nothing to me.

I'm Handsome Jack, coolest dude you'll ever meet, and I hold way more rank than you do! I'm the senior Rocket around here, I was getting promoted for heists before you even knew this world existed.

Uhhhhh, okay....

...What does Goldenrod do other than put on holiday sales then am I missing something...

[Surprise, there's a MARKET to raid girl !]

Were...were you not here last Christmas? Holy shit, I have lost all concept of time in this world.

Fair enough, time feels fake at this point!

But nope...it was already late spring when I got here! This is my first christmas that won't be spent wondering which christmas kfc to get!

Oh.

[The color drains from his face visibly, because guess who's secretly scared of senior Rockets? Not that he would ever admit to it.]

Well, I've been around a few months. Doing stuff. Things. You know. I've already stolen like six Pokémon.

Nice to meet ya, kiddo.

Uh-huh. Obviously nothing impressive. What kinda Pokemon?

I don't know.

[Why do you expect him to keep track of the things he's stole and sent off? God.

He starts to count some of the more recent ones off on his fingers.]

A hippo, few fish monsters, some creepy cat... that kind of thing.

[Bad timing. Carly's caravan is almost finished, but this dollhouse isn't going to make itself.]

Get my ass happy for what?

Festive community service? Is that a Rocket requirement now?

4 proft obvs

if everybodys out w/all their gift money n the fancy ass shit n pokemon eggs n wutever theyre buying other ppl as gifts.... we can steal it

do u not get wut we do here?

Don't you keep records?

[Yes that is exactly what Jack expects because Jack is an asshole.]

So what I'm hearing is 'whatever I happen to be able to grab'.

No ambition or initiative, got it.

Try coming from a planet with 80 hour days.

Oh. There's the big holiday market in Goldenrod.

Records are for losers.

[Steve reddens, face twisting in anger he doesn't have the guts to express fully to an adult with authority.]

That's not true. I steal the strongest Pokémon a trainer has. Who cares what kind it is? And I'm robbing the Goldenrod market. How's that for initiative?

[Yeah. No. Jack's hit the nail on the head there. He absolutely does take whatever he can grab, and robbing the Goldenrod market is his bully of a Swampert's idea, so... not actually that great for initiative.]

Loud and clear.

Just asking whether this is a coordinated action or if we're just supposed to show up and the last one out's a hatching jailbird.

got it on the last 1, sport

im not here 2 hold ur hand. i tell u where 2 hit, u hit it, we profit. u end up in jail, thats on u, im not gonna bail u out. and + u make me luk bad n that pisses me off n im not a very fun guy when im pissed off so just dont get caught

its not hard, only the most moronic of morons get caught. ive been doing this shit like 4 years n nobody even knos ive got anything 2 do w/team rocket.

Oh, wow, look at the little edgelord, pissing on records. Kid, in my own dimension I'm President of the biggest empire in space. And trust me, records are important.

So you're....doing exactly what I want you to do? I'm supposed to be impressed by that? You want a gold star for doing your friggin job?

Oh fuck me, I'm gonna have to hold a seminar or some shit, aren't I? What the hell kind of recruits are they dredging up these days...

This is why Carly's my favorite.

So you say to fucking jump, and I ask how high. Nice.

I don't know how well that works as a business model, but that ain't my problem. If a hands-off low-effort approach is what passes for leadership around here, then so much the better.

I'll park my ass in Goldenrod. Just so long as I'm not wasting my time. It's a hot fucking item this Christmas, and my irons are getting pretty fucking toasty in the fires I already have going. I'd hate to see someone get burned. The lawsuits would be endless.

this organization HAS no friggin business model. the entire model is 'steal pokemon and pokemon stuff'. thats it. it's not like anybodys telling ME how to get it done

were all just cogs in 1 weird ass machine that by all rights shouldnt work at all but hey, we make money!

u should b able 2 nab sum good stuff this time of year. n i GUESS, since i have a whole mansion in goldenrod if u REALLY need a place 2 crash i got room

[Wow.

Can't say I was expecting that. Can't say I don't appreciate it, though. In fact, I appreciate it a whole hell of a lot right now. The part where I pretend to give a fuck is officially cancelled.]

Pass. I've already got a bed.

I'll take the part where I don't have to give a fuck about the transparent pretense that passes for environmental continuity in this elaborate roleplaying game I'm supposed to buy into.

You want some shit heisted, I can do that.

Edited (icon renaming mishap) 2019-12-29 04:06 (UTC)

gud

luk, i ask 4 2 things: do ur job n stay out of jail. thats it. i do not give a single flying fuck about anything else u do or how u do it or wut u think about this living fever dream were all stuck in. so we shud do just fine.

Fine. Whatever. I'll start keeping records.

What? No. That's what I want to do.

[And yes, please give him a gold star. He's trying so hard, and no one seems impressed by his obviously amazing efforts. Why is it so hard to get approval around here?

He doesn't have a single clue who Carly is at this point, but he's already kind of mad at her.]

Oh thank god, he can be taught!

....it's also what I want you to do. What I want all of you to do.

Look, kid, you're up against greatness here! Do you have any idea the stuff I've done for Rocket? I've fought inter-dimensional hell beasts! I've broken into secret strongholds to lift priceless valuables! I have fucking Saturday Morning cartooned it and knocked guards out to steal their uniforms! I've got a friggin disguise closet! Do you have a disguise closet?

What I'm saying is...step it up if you wanna stand out.

I still thought of it before you told me.

[There is absolutely an unspoken "so there" tacked onto the end of that sentence, despite it not being his idea even before this. He's lucky Buttsnack is in his ball, or he'd probably be getting a smack round about now.]

Yeah... well... I'm the Spring Fling King back in Arcadia. The most popular guy in school. I'm the quarterback of our team. It's only a matter of time before I make my mark here too. You'll see.

Yeesh, that one would sure bring new meaning to the '60 hour work week'...

But hey! That definitely sounds bigger than a department store then! Oooh, I could probably get some small gifts for people then...

[is it re-gifting if you steal something and give it to someone, inquiring minds-]

Anyway uh, I..! Guess that counts me in for real now! [She's sort of anxious about so much as considering turning it down! Yay!]

[This guy's quirk leaves something to be desired. Maybe it's the combination of style and personality, but it's like Roxy, sober, except he's thirteen times more cocksure about it.

'It' in this case is my participation.

But as long as he stays out of my business, I don't actually care. I stand to gain more from participation than I do the alternatives.]

I think you mean 'jobs,' plural.

But sure, whatever you say.

Oh, wow, I...I am sorry. I..I had no idea I was talking to the Spring Fling King! I mean, I'm literally the president of a galaxy with a dozen different holidays devoted to me and more money than god, but Spring Fling King...that's something!

Looking forward to seeing that mark ya make, kiddo.

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