silph_co | Video

Hey there, kiddos!

So...

I'm guessing by this point you've all seen the dude that looks and sounds just like a really roughed up version of me.

That's Jack Number Two.

[He figures it's about time he addresses this situation, since it could end up being a sort of liability.]

Long ass story short, he's my doppelganger, he took an insanely high paying job to basically be a secondary me. And he was really good at it for a while, but then I guess some shit happened and I haven't seen him in years and he's all pissed off about things that happened when I wasn't even around.

[Like it's Jack's own fault that he ended up getting his ass kicked by terrorists and the casino went into lock down with Other Jack in it. The dude has Jack's DNA, he could have gotten out. Probably. Anyway the point was it wasn't anything that had been Jack's fault.]

He doesn't know I'm a high ranking member of this stupid organization. Don't mess with him or anything, cuz for one he's basically me and messing with me is a bad idea in general - I at least like most of you people. He doesn't.

And plus I'm trying to work shit out with him, so just leave him alone.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Well the first half's right! I'm president of the largest company in the galaxy! And we come from a corpotocracy so...Yup, raging capitalist right here!

But he also saved the moon with me, so he's just being an ass with the 'supervillain' part. Mostly. I mean everybody is somebody's villain.

Oh yeah, and he hangs out with a dude who eats people, so...I don't think he has any leg to stand on there!

Awww. So I should return that PokéCommunist Manifesto I bought for you as a gift, then?

For about a million reasons!

No, you'll probably hear some more crap about me, because I do have a couple of actual enemies running around, they were terrorists back home who were trying to stop me from - I'm dead serious here, this is the hill they were standing on - getting the cannibals and giant packs of murdering bandits off Pandora so it could be a safe place for people to live. They wanted to keep the planet entirely lawless and full of the worst criminals you can imagine.

But they swear I'm the bad guy. I have a firmly anti-cannibal stance, to start with...

[If this was just a little earlier into Connie's tenure as a Rocket, she'd probably be suspicious that there's something Jack isn't telling her here.]

[But Jack's been nice. Really nice. Connie can tell that in his own, weird way, he actually cares about the rest of the imported Rockets—just like what Steven said.]

[So she's going to give him the benefit of the doubt.]

I object to the colonization overtones you've got going there, [no fucking duh] but from the bits and pieces that I've heard about Pandora, it sounds like you're just taking back the place from different alien squatters who were actively making the place worse for the native life there anyways.

It definitely sounds like you did the right thing by winning back Pandora in your world.

[oh connie if only you knew,]

Yeah, you'd have a point if there'd been sentient life on Pandora before we got there, but...there wasn't. And it had already been fucked with by two companies before Hyperion ever got there, and they left their garbage and criminals and broken shit all over. The place was a dump! Like...literally! A cannibal infested dump full of terrifying alien monsters that want to eat everybody!

See, you get it! I just wanted to make my planet a nice one. What's the crime there?

I mean. Capitalism. But I think we've agreed to disagree there.

[This time, it's clear Connie's joking.]

[Maybe.]

Until I make a convert outta ya!

Uncle Karl was like the crazy old relative that I never had, you can pry my entirely fictitious relationship with him from my cold, dead hands.

Wow, you're in deep! Fictitious dead uncles are pretty hard to beat, but I'm up to a challenge.

[But Jack is laughing.]

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